Dear Hillary, Moving Forward Without Me….

May 5, 2015 @ 12:21

Trial Start Time         May 5, 2015@ 14:00

Dear Hillary,

I’m sorry I failed you. I had this Grand Idea that I could do my part and help the world and fate would have my future differently. To be honest I never really followed politics, I was born in 83 so I was old enough to remember the Clinton Administration. I also did some time in the military two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and after a bitter exit I challenged the system and was granted my benefits from the Department of Veteran Affairs. I joined the Army in July of 2001 and was deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom from August 2003 to the End of 2004. It was during my return stateside I began participating in Military Funeral Details offering another sense of humility and reality to a young man not yet 21. It wasn’t long after I buried one of my own soldiers Paul Varner. He used to come to my supply room (92Y Unit Supply) “SGT Tayte” …I smile now thinking he always dragged the A in my name… “SGT TAYYYYYYYTe…You Need Any Help Sergeant? He was a helpful young man nonetheless a child who’s passing stateside left much to be desired from my military leadership at the time. As Soldiers we lined together and our unit handled the passing with dignity and emerged a stronger Company.   We’d lost one of our own and we were ready for war!  As the Company supply sergeant it was my duty to prepare 160 soldiers with functioning weapons, it was my privilege to make purchases and ensure each and every item on my property book remained accounted for yet never without the knowledge loss comes and someone has to clean it up. And it wasn’t long before we were called to serve in Afghanistan. I prepared my unit and deployed as a United States Soldier. Proud To Have served in two of the Hardest Hitting Unites 2^ND Armored Calvary Regiment and The 2^nd Battalion 4^th Infantry Regiment. All the time I am a proud Gay Man, never have been able to downplay the reality I am different. I cling to traditional values I know what I am and I love every bit, further more I have a strong connection to God and I fostered it with a Bachelors in Organizational Management from a Christian University. My minor courses all consisted of theology. Not an expert but I know my calling. The funny thing is because I still have very strong beliefs I refuse to bow to this calling…that thing called personal conflict. Life is full of peaks and valleys and I’m not perfect I’ve had many. I’ve done this in a world where HIV is prevalent and the thought of not wanting to know plagues more homosexual African American men everyday. Three relationship destroyed by not questioning, listening, I was young and naïve. I was petrified.

Anyway to the point today I stand for trial on DUI Manslaughter and Vehicular Homicide. I was a child of the Bush administration, I followed him because he was my commander and Chief but I knew deep down in my soul you were coming! I waited, I didn’t even register to vote for the Obama Admin because I started suffering from seizures and accident after accident I was tearing my body apart so my mind was elsewhere but I remain proud and in full support of the job he has Done. Back to me, I was involved in a car accident on February 6, 2012 in which an elderly woman was unfortunately killed. With all due respect to the system I will leave the details to my Jury that was picked yesterday. I never really agreed with the philosophy of arguing with people unless you honestly could understand both positions. I’m a very critical thinker, I can decipher a situation and play devils advocate very well. I believe the only way to honestly engage a person is to present your points verbatim. Don’t Give them a choice to be anything but equal, make them understand If they can speak, if they can see, if they can hear you have the power of humanity to make peace. This is what I believe and is my charge. The outcome looks bleak but I still have my faith. “Remember, Mustard Seed is all you Need”. I Registered Republican Not because I understood what it meant but because I believed I could be sway a couple good folks along the way and still vote democrat and you were gonna be my coming out! I was going to Move Forward and I’d spent Nine Months in Jail after I was charged for the crimes. Quite frankly I’ve never been the most masculine man in the world so fights easily found me, I never had a black eye until Rock Road. All the while still having seizures and physically trying to recuperate. My mind bled and cries for the Grieving family on the other End and all there family has been put through. What they lost…all I can say is My God.

But How did I fail you, I’ve been on this volunteer run and I was prepared and primed. I wanted to join the race and I signed up. I might not make it though and I’m sorry. I’ve failed so much in my life and I cant fix this one. My soul is broken and I was trying to move forward but what happened when I was 28 has shaken the very foundation of my being and I cant run this race with you. As 32 Approaches the only thing I leave with the world is this. If I never receive another blessing from the lord on this earth “I Ivan Tate Have Had Enough Blessings Showered Upon Me and I am FULFILLED”.

Not only did I fail You I Failed My Father, I Failed, My Brothers, I Failed Veterans, I Failed The Beliefs of All those I preached “Keep Your Head Up & You Can’t Stop Living”, I failed the Strong Black Men I was raised to look up to. I Failed the Realm of Homosexual Men who understand we are not who we date! We are still men and shall be treated as such. My Masculinity is apart of me, I am not a woman therefore I respect there decisions. What makes me a homosexual is not my desire to be a woman in any shape fashion or form, I always maintain that and I failed the world.

But I Didn’t Fail God…So as the system swallows me up. While I was in Jail I learned even the hardest of criminals have hearts and as I stated above if they can speak, if they can see, if they can hear you have the power of humanity to make peace. This is Mine.

Move Forward without me.

Excerpt From My Mind….

 

Sometimes you need to stop and smell the flowers, enjoy life. I recently did something not but 15 minutes ago that was Crazy yet Totally fun. Point is I lived. We are a world of young people, a generation tired of being depraved by standards created by God only knows whom. We are of a world where simple things don’t even matter anymore. Young men don’t see hope. Good Young men plagued by what can only be explained as “ They Just Don’t Understand”. It’s more than black and white to be honest with you. I’m stuck between a generations of “My Parents Ruined the World with their Major Advances in Society to Your Parents “Termed Us The Throw Away Generation”…. Talk about a Shock! Truth, I recently heard Afeni Shakur Say “You Know I Like to Shame the Devil and Tell the Truth”.   Water is more important than selling your soul for riches, that’s no longer the lesson here. It’s a question of conditioning. This is not outright profiling, that would be wrong however I’m stressing the point of perception.

 

My father recently opened up such a can of worms (Jokingly I might add, only for the purpose of Conversation’s Sake).

 

Perception, why is it some want you to love them for who they are when all you know is what they portray.

I Try

condemn me!

The Second Son AKA Jr. (Freestyle)

Talkin all that Jazz bout how strong you are,

Little did I know your strength balances my heart. 

No one left you, nobody hates you its all in your mind,

Let me take a chance on that notion and have our terms redefined.

My Pappy, My Daddy of course I’m proud to be your son,

If you listen and look closely I mimic everything you’ve done.

From your weight loss to your perfect smile and now onto the degrees

I love my pops to death even though he drops me to my knees.

I know I’m dramatic but fully pragmatic and to boot my pride is hard

Those traits I earned and continue to learn stem from his loving arms.

So next time we have one of our arguments and decide to go tit for tat

You may piss me off and silence your voice but Dad I still got your back. 

 

the armor and the saint (freelance)

a young man was traveling all though lost he had his faith,

he’d sacrificed his earthly daliances for a road no man would take.

And when it came time to pass the problems of daily living that we all make,

he shook his head and proudly said “to bed with me these problems i’ll take”.

its not fair to burden others with worldly issues he or she cant solve,

in retrospect we tend to forget everything comes from God.

So as I take this journey to seal my humble fate

just know my armor is with me and through him each breath I take.

Happy Resurrection Week!

On this day, I chose to comeback to what I know. Writing, my passion for who knows what tomorrow brings.

Thank You God for the humility I’ve been fortunate to obtain from my experiences in this life. At the young old age of 31 I’ve seen so much and withstood my burdens with grace and reserve. People seriously don’t get God! I’m Great and if I never receive another blessing after this day I’m more than in over abundance of joy to withstand what storms my spirit may weather for the duration of my life. 

I’ve mourned, I’ve Cried, I’ve driven down the same road a million times and prayed for guidance. I didn’t know what to do, how to function. I couldn’t eat, I was having nightmares, literally awaking bundled like a baby, demanding Gods reason for sparing me. 

The scariest part, Imagine not being able to recollect a particular space of time in which you know your body is supposed to function at normal or maximum capacity. Let’s be clear your awake fully operational and in mid swing of participating in an activity.

My experiences- I was working out at the gym with a personal trainer and after a particular set I was walking and the next thing I know I’m waking in an ambulance screaming at the top of my lungs as my right shoulder is completely dislocated and secured in the stretcher parallel to my body. 

Or Cooking over a stove one moment and awaking to a big burly black man and scared children inquiring as to if I’m okay. I miss working with children although young they provide levity in a world plagued with depression and unfortunate sadness. 

But on to the movement. I’ve lived and living is all I’ve left to do. There has been no better feeling than sheltering a new generation of young adults into maturity.  In my time of humility I have repaired broken relationships with family and terminated some on a deeper level, at the end of the day the lesson learned was to not fault humanity for doing what it does best, evolve and surreptitiously survive. Wishing those close to your heart a somber farewell is hard enough to swallow, when its a parent it’s quite disheartening. It’s the removal of a foundational pillar, one that can’t be replaced. What choice do we have as individuals but to survive, after all we can’t simply stop breathing and cease life because we’re in a bad spot. We must bear the fury of misconception and tempered words. The funny thing is if you cut to the chase and remove the middle men the solution could create more solidarity toward a joint foundational relationship.

 

Fact is tomorrow comes without regard to our positions in life, and by some great measure I’ve been blessed to live tomorrow today everyday since. I’ve volunteered in the most unexpected of places, seen different cultures and ethnicities cross language barriers, I’ve stood strong with two mothers who made the hardest decisions of their lives while another allowed me to witness the birth of a child. But it doesn’t end there, my friends and I actually believe in loyalty. We make it happen and we promote growth in each other, there’s nothing better than knowing someone else has a piece of bread to spare when all you’ve to offer is peanut butter and 76 cents toward the jelly.  Sometimes we just need to stop and say thanks. So on this day I will. 

Sometimes you just want everything to be positive, I’ve never been about negativity so I refuse to allow anything but positive thoughts to cloud my mind, I refuse to claim the unknown before it happens and even then I will seek justice for the majority, never the minority. When all else fails I promise to shout the wrongs of systems plagued with pens as opposed to people and even then correction will be implored, we are a world build on interaction. I promise to promote growth in every individual I meet regardless of situations that harbor malice. If a stranger  needs one I will strive to give them two if not three. I can’t remove the emotion of my person, I’ve always held those with hope to higher standards and thusly shall continue to my grave. There is power in a name, I will foster hope and justice in that of my own. I will give credence to what is right, not what’s convenient. Policy will be uplifted and immersed in cultural awareness, strengths will be permitted and weakness subsided to solutions.

Having served in two wars I can positively say life after the military has been trying.  There is finality in knowing your purpose on this earth, giving is what I do best and I see no reason to change my plans for Law school…I now have the greatest reason in the world. No one should be without a choice, knowing is half the battle and knowledge is free. I’ve got a great support system in place with people who truly care. Hey what can I say aside from I’m Downright Blessed and forever changed! 

If one person understands and can navigate the pitfalls of life based upon hearing my experiences my duty to humanity is fulfilled.

We Are Not Our Past, Therefore the present can’t be compared to what no longer exists. Change Your Perspective to Change your Circumstances!

Happy Resurrection! 

 

Love Keeps Families Together